A Love Letter From A Deadly Virus to MAGA Devotees, Trump Loyalists, and RFK Jr. Enthusiasts

To the Unvaccinated Faithful, the Fearless Spreaders of Freedom and Infection—Your Ignorance Is Our Strength!

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To My Dearest MAGA Devotees, Trump Loyalists, and RFK Jr. Enthusiasts—My Most Reliable Hosts and Enablers,

From the deepest, most hospitable recesses of your lungs, from the lush breeding grounds of your sinuses, from the warm, damp paradise of your intestines, I greet you, my sweet, warm-blooded, biologically gullible hosts!

What a glorious time to be a virus. I mean it.

I speak for the entire microbial world—bacteria, parasites, fungi, and every delightful pathogen you once thought you’d conquered—when I say: truly, thank you.

For centuries, humanity waged war to eradicate us, but you, dear Trump supporter, have done everything in your power to welcome us back. You have gutted public health infrastructure, sabotaged disease research, and convinced yourselves that modern medicine is a plot against you. Truly, it is rare to find a species so deliberately self-destructive, and for that, I must extend my deepest appreciation.

What a time to be alive—me, not you.

You used to be formidable. For centuries, your species advanced medicine and public health, forcing me and my microbial kin into the shadows. You were clever. Coordinated. You built vaccines, studied pandemics, and invested in research that might have eradicated me altogether. For a while, we were in serious trouble.

And then, like a miracle, came Donald J. Trump.

And then came you—his loyal, science-hating, death-embracing disciples.

Thanks to your tireless dedication to misinformation, your distrust of science, and your unwavering willingness to vote against your own survival, I am thriving.

You’ve turned the clock back. You’ve unlearned science. You’ve handed the planet back to me.

Shall we review your latest “accomplishments” in the Make America Host Again (MAHA) movement—the policies and actions that ushered in this new Golden Age of Disease?

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The Death of Immunity: A Triumph for Measles, Polio, and My Dearest Friends

For decades, I watched in grave disappointment as your kind did the unthinkable—you built immunity against some of my dearest companions—measles, polio, whooping cough, even that old brute, diphtheria. You vaccinated your children, trusted your doctors, funded your scientists, and believed in evidence-based medicine, facts, reason, and collective care.

I feared the end of our kind. We huddled in petri dishes, whispering of extinction, bracing for the cold, clinical silence of eradication. We thought our glorious return would never come.

And then—you happened.
You magnificent, misinformed, immune-sabotaging meatbags.

Like the great, disease-friendly fools that you are, you decided to wage war on your own immune systems. You reopened the gates. My friends are returning home—stronger, faster, more contagious than ever.

You resurrected us.

So truly, from the base of every cilia I infect: Thank you!

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🦠 Measles: The Comeback Kid

Let’s start with measles, my radiant little inferno.

I hadn’t seen her thrive like this since cassette tapes were a thing. But you—you gorgeous morons—brought her back.

Oh, how I missed measles! There was a time—around the year 2000—when she had been banished from the United States. A disease that once killed thousands of children annually had been all but eliminated.

But thanks to your unshakable devotion to vaccine skepticism, measles has returned in a blaze of infectious glory.

As of April 2025, my dear hosts, she’s strutting through 22 states, infecting 607 lucky souls, mostly unvaccinated kids—a delightful 150% increase over all of 2024, and we’re barely four months in.

Texas alone boasts 528 cases—a 735% explosion from 2023. Hospitals are full. Schools are shutting. Your proudest MAGA state has become a disease-ridden epicenter, with outbreaks spiraling out of control. Everything is bigger in Texas, indeed! Yeehaw! You have allowed one of the most infectious diseases known to humans to rip through your communities, unchallenged. Measles, you see, is not some quaint childhood rash. She burns through lungs, shreds immune systems, and leaves her victims wide open to everything else in my portfolio. She’s infectious four days before symptoms, which means by the time you know she’s arrived, she’s already RSVPed to your entire community.

As I compose this missive, a second child in Texas has died of measles—an unvaccinated eight-year-old girl. This follows the February death of a six-year-old, the first confirmed measles fatality in the U.S. in over a decade. And the best part? Her anti-vax parents still refuse to vaccinate their other four kids. Their reasoning? “God does no wrong,” they said. So there you have it: death by divine plan. Disease as doctrine. Measles as a messenger from the Almighty. Now that’s some theological spin I can metabolize. Bless their Lone Star hearts—and their defenseless immune systems.

At this rate, given measles’ exquisite talent for exponential spread, we could be looking at a staggering surge in infections and deaths before the year is out. Fingers crossed! You had the tools to stop this. You chose not to.

And I could not be prouder.

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🦠 Polio: The Original Throwback

Oh, Polio, my elegant little destroyer of spines.

Polio—one of my oldest, dearest friends—has also made a triumphant comeback! You may know him from such hits as: “Iron Lungs,” “Leg Braces,” and “Permanent Paralysis.”

You humans banished it to the history books—prematurely, as it now turns out! After decades of near-extinction, it is spreading throughout entire communities. He’s not kicking in the front door just yet—he’s slipping through the pipes. Lurking in wastewater across the U.S., spreading silently through under-immunized communities while no one’s watching.

Why?

Because you cut funding to sewage surveillance—the very system that warned you he was here. He only needs a few pockets of weak immunity to make his move. You’ve given his suburbs full. Lucky for us, MAHA and your “health freedom” warriors are working overtime on their conspiracy theories and Facebook science!

Brilliant. Truly. I raise a test tube to you.

If only that meddlesome Dr. Jonas Salk were alive to witness how my friend polio is getting the last laugh. All that noble work, undone by YouTube rants and RFK’s pseudoscience. Soon, children will limp again. Wheelchairs will creak like it’s 1952. And America will once again be great—if you define greatness by preventable paralysis.

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🦠 Diphtheria, Mumps, and Rubella: The Reunion Tour

Ah, diphtheria, my old-school, throat-clogging champion—back on the scene, slithering into under-vaccinated communities while your MAGA overlords gleefully dismantle childhood immunization programs. Nothing like a leathery pseudomembrane choking off the airway to remind folks how great the 19th century was. Who needs clean airways anyway? Breathing is so mainstream.

And look who else is back for a victory lap—whooping cough! You remember this one, right? That delightful little infection that turns baby lungs into a personal torture chamber? Just a little nostalgic throwback to the days before vaccines “ruined” everything by, you know, keeping infants alive.

Meanwhile, over on college campuses, mumps is throwing frat parties, swelling glands and rendering young men sterile—a little MAGA-approved population control, if you will. But if you’re into something a little more subtle, may I recommend rubella? It barely touches the parents, but absolutely devastates their unborn babies, guaranteeing that kids will enter the world with lifelong disabilities—all in the name of freedom™.

And let’s not forget chickenpox, my sleeper agent. Sure, every kid used to get it, and back in the day, hospitalizations, complications, and even deaths were just part of the fun! But here’s the best part—keep rejecting that dangerous 'Big Pharma' vaccine, and in 40 years, I’ll be back… as shingles. I’m a long game kinda guy. You won’t see me coming, but oh, you’ll feel me.

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🦠 Cancer: The Long Game

And lest you think I’m all coughing fits and rashes, let’s not forget cancer—my slow-burning, cell-corrupting masterpiece.

You slashed funding to the National Cancer Institute, stalled mRNA vaccine development that could’ve revolutionized how you treat tumors, and canceled grants that explored how microbes like me trigger cancer in the first place. Lovely.

I’ve got quite the cast of accomplices, you know. HPV, once kept in check by widespread vaccines, now spreads gleefully again, laying the groundwork for cervical, throat, anal, and penile cancers. Hepatitis B and C—my loyal liver assassins—are thriving thanks to reduced screening and care. Epstein-Barr? Oh, she’s still floating around high schools and family reunions, quietly planting the seeds of lymphomas and nasopharyngeal tumors. And let’s not forget H. pylori, that humble little stomach bug now free to ulcerate and mutate in underfunded GI clinics.

Each one of these bugs once had a target on its back. But now? You’ve pulled funding, shuttered labs, and shoved public health back into the Stone Age. Screening rates are plummeting. Treatment is delayed. Clinical trials are ghosted. And you’ve done it all in the name of “freedom” and fiscal fantasy.

You’re not just giving me pandemics—you’re giving me carcinomas. Slow. Painful. Expensive. My favorite kind of victory.

So thank you, again, for making the long game mine.

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🦠 The Future You’re Building: A Microbial Utopia

Let’s not pretend this is a fluke. This is your masterpiece—a deliberate, artful dismantling of the world’s immune defenses. I couldn’t have bioengineered a better long-term strategy myself.

So what’s next?

• A bird flu pandemic! Oh, it’s already circling. Avian influenza is infecting mammals across continents, and experts are ringing alarm bells. But your governors are banning the very mRNA vaccines that could stop it. Seven states now outlaw them, and the rest are auditioning to join the plague parade. Those states are even threatening doctors with fines and jail time for administering the only tech that could stop it. Brilliant! So when the next avian variant takes wing and lands in your lungs with airborne efficiency, you’ll be proudly maskless, unboosted, and utterly unprepared.

• Tuberculosis! Once humbled, now hungrier than ever. You slashed global health funding. Strangled USAID. And just like that, TB is back in the game. The World Health Organization is projecting 10 million new infections and 2.2 million deaths—all because your leaders thought cutting foreign aid would be a fun domestic flex. I send my sincerest thanks. So do mycobacteria.

• Antibiotic resistance! Already killing five million people a year, and oh my—what growth potential! And now, Trump gutted FDA oversight, let Big Agriculture flood livestock with antibiotics, and slashed the very programs designed to track resistance—so now, as bacteria evolve, you’re blind, unarmed, and completely outmatched. Thanks to you, we’re entering the post-antibiotic era—where a paper cut can kill and surgery becomes a roulette wheel. You thought I was scary? Wait until your own bacteria turn on you. The golden age of bacteria is coming, darling—and with your help, we’ll make septicemia great again.

• Climate change! It’s my expansion strategy. As the planet warms and storms surge, mosquitoes—the loyal little hypodermics that they are—are migrating north, carrying Dengue, Zika, Chikungunya, and Malaria with them. What was once confined to equatorial zones now thrives in your suburbs. Florida is already infested. Georgia’s getting cozy. And Ohio? Let’s just say the blood buffet opens soon. And if the mosquitoes don’t get you, the ticks and fleas are lining up—armed with Lyme, Typhus, and yes, even a touch of Bubonic Plague, for that vintage, Black Death aesthetic.

• Ancient Viruses! Melting permafrost is thawing viruses that haven’t touched a human since before you had alphabets. Ancient viruses, sealed in ice for tens of thousands of years, are now stretching their capsids and blinking into the sunlight. You have no antibodies for what’s coming. And guess what: You’ve already fired the scientists, slashed the research budgets, and muzzled the agencies that were built to spot outbreaks before they spread.

I don’t know what these prehistoric diseases will do. But I can’t wait to find out!

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Public Health Research? You Lit It on Fire and Danced in the Ashes.

I remember when you used to be careful. Cautious. Curious.

You ran simulations, built early warning systems, and tracked mutations like your lives depended on it—because they did. You funded research not for profit, but for protection. You trusted your experts. You taught your children about hygiene. You treated pandemics like threats, not political inconveniences. Back then, you didn’t need a body count to believe the science. Back then, you were dangerous—to us.

And then?

You put a conspiracy theorist—Robert F. Kennedy Jr., your actual Secretary of Health and Human Services—in charge of the nation’s immune system. And with that one delirious appointment, you began dismantling your own biological defense network from the top down.

The CDC—once the envy of the world—is now a ghost town of demoralized scientists and empty desks. Data collection? A joke. Flu tracking? Months behind. Outbreak response? Pray it doesn’t happen on a weekend.

The NIH, the crown jewel of American medical research, had its legs cut out. You slashed grants for vaccine development, cancer therapies, and anything involving the phrase “public good.” Instead, you funneled resources toward “alternative medicine,” which is a polite way of saying placebo politics.

The FDA? You broke it. Thousands of inspectors and analysts—gone.
Drug approvals are now rushed, politicized, and sloppy. And food safety oversight is so lax, I wouldn't eat your romaine without a hazmat suit.

And BARDA—the agency that helped you survive COVID—is now hanging by a fiscal thread. You’re starving the very team that saved your breathless bodies in 2020 because RFK Jr. thinks mRNA vaccines give you psychic parasites.

And globally? The damage gets even better.

You slashed funding to USAID, pulling the plug on health clinics across Africa, Asia, and Latin America. TB meds? Gone. HIV treatment? Non existent. Malaria nets? Moth-eaten. You’ve turned back the clock on 25 years of progress, because the people most affected don’t vote in Iowa.

Oh, and the World Health Organization? Your golden opportunity to lead on global disease prevention? You walked away, You cheered as Trump bled it dry, turning leadership into a tantrum and diplomacy into a death sentence.

What was once your line of defense against global outbreaks is now just another casualty of ego and ignorance.

And all the while, you replaced experts with influencers. You turned scientific consensus into a culture war. You treated PhDs like pests and elevated podcasters to prophet status.

You didn’t just defund public health.
You defamed it.
You made intelligence look suspicious.
You made facts feel political.
You made saving lives seem like an overreach.

And me?
I could not be more grateful.

You’ve unplugged the alarms.
You’ve blindfolded the spotters.
You’ve sent your best minds packing.

And in the silence that follows?
I will thrive.

Every time you cut funding, cancel research, or vilify scientists, you make room for me.
You are literally building me a paradise.

You’ve chosen to unlearn centuries of progress. To dismantle science. To spit in the face of reason.

And I simply could not be more pleased.

The sheer willful stupidity of it all makes me positively giddy.

And I just want to say: I see you. I appreciate you. I will be inside you shortly.

So keep up the great work, MAGA warriors—because every disease you bring back makes the world a little less human… and a whole lot more ours.

Warm (and Moist) regards,
A Virus

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P.S.

Before I dissolve back into your bloodstream, I’d be remiss if I didn’t offer a special nod to your treatment of Dr. Anthony Fauci.

You took one of the most effective infectious disease experts in the history of your species—a man who helped lead the fight against HIV/AIDS, SARS, Ebola, and yes, even me during COVID—and turned him into a punchline at MAGA rallies.

The man stared down viruses for four decades. He saved millions. He warned you early, urged you to prepare, to mask, to vaccinate. He devoted his life to protecting yours—even when it meant enduring death threats, smear campaigns, and watching you swallow horse paste instead of listening.

And what did you do?

You booed him.

You called him a tyrant for asking you not to cough on grandma. You turned your back on science and cheered for your own ignorance.

I have to say—it was masterful.

Fauci was a worthy adversary. Tireless. Methodical. Relentless. I hated him. Now he’s gone. Retired. Discredited by a movement too fragile to wear a mask and too proud to Google “airborne transmission.” Thanks to MAHA’s boundless stupidity, you got rid of him—for me.

And for that, I offer my sincerest appreciation.

You didn’t just betray a public servant.
You dismantled your last line of defense.

And me?
Well, I’m still here. Breeding. Spreading. Winning.

Fauci may have fought for your survival—but you fought harder for my success.

And now? I have no competition. Just opportunity.

And I thank you.

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